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The In Between

    I've accomplished Chemotherapy, 133 Days / 5 Months - DONE, but not done, I look forward to Part 2 - Surgery.  The surgery was scheduled for March 28, 2019 right at 5 weeks post chemo.  Mentally I thought Surgery was the easiest because it was one day, then maybe some PT, but not something were I had to endure 5 months of chemo pain.  In the weeks leading up to Surgery, things were pretty much chill for doctors visits;  a sleep study, labs and a few follow up appointments, and I had returned to work about 4 hours a day, but the days "in between" were taking a toll emotionally.
    I actually missed going to the hospital on a weekly basis as I did for chemo - a part of me had gotten into a habit more or like, or perhaps it was the healthcare interaction with people.  I also had been putting together a "if something should happen" booklet, it's called Five Wishes, writing down passwords and thinking how I wanted to be remembered.  I thought of dying, of hugging my family for the last time, a waking up not on earth.   I would wake up from dreams as if I was lying on the earth outside, covered in dirt.   Vivid thoughts and dreams, it kept me up at night till the early morning hours.  I would sit back and see older folks with their grandchildren and think, that will never be me.  I knew I was in a funk, depressed.  I discussed some thoughts with a military friend of mine and he said before war, "you take care of all the loose ends, but you know you're coming back."  This really resonating in me.
    Here we go - the surgery plan.  Double Mastectomy (even though right is non cancerous) - both nipples removed, remove port (right chest), full axillary dissection of lymph nodes (left side), removal of firs layer of pectoral muscle (left side).  5 Hours.   I awoke post surgery - and said this out loud - "I'm not going to die from this fucking shit."  beep beep beep, people talking, the room started to come into focus.  I was awake, on the other side of Surgery.

Here We Go - about to roll back in the OR
On the other side of Surgery- First Walk
Hammer On
Leaving the Hospital: Knox (left) & Logan (right)
Large Ace Bandage wrapped around chest and 3 drains

2 Days post Surgery


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